It was a rough week. The funeral totally derailed me and now I’m behind on everything. I’m giving myself permission to be behind. I am perfectly capable of catching up and getting ahead. I’ve done it before, I can do it again.
My Weekly Guidance
On Sunday, I pulled my weekly tarot card seeking guidance and get the 10 of wands.
The cards say: I’m carrying a heavy burden, there’s too much on my plate and I need to let go or at the very least, delegate out responsibilities.
As expected, this is after I filled out my planner. (I should probably start pulling my cards before I plan my week!) I had transferred everything I dropped last week and added everything I should be doing this week. The cards convinced me to re-prioritize. I needed to decide what was the most important on my list.
Live in Helpers to the rescue….not.
I had to decide which things the witchlings could do and what do I have to do myself? So, they’ll be doing most of the chores and housework. Probably half-assed but better than nothing. I’ll be writing, gardening and sewing.
I informed my young minions that I would be expecting more from them this week. They didn’t argue but I could see the wheels turning. They both are trying to figure out how much can they slack off before I go bat-shit crazy.
It won’t be much. I’ve spoiled them. They should both be doing a hella lot more than they do. This might be the start of increased responsibilities.
No Hair Dye for Me
I also canceled a hair appt with the Princess, which wasn’t a big deal because she forgot as well.
I’ve been antagonizing her all summer. I probably needed a touch up last June; my white streak is about 2 inches long. However, I’ve been refusing to let her. Part of me wants to see what my hair would look like natural, the other part just want to watch her squirm.
She is a very proud hairdresser and subsequently, it ‘bothers’ her that my hair is not perfect. It especially bothered her when her friend, Mama Bear, asked her why she hasn’t done my touch up and offered to step in.
(Mama Bear is Miss Sassypants’ mom, I see her more often than I do the Princess)
The Princess has pestered me about it all summer long. Her reasoning bounced between how my hair made her look as a professional, how I feel about myself, and what other people thought about me.
Give me a good reason.
Those reasons weren’t vibing with me. First of all, my outgrowth and decision not to touch up has nothing to do with her or her professionalism. Secondly, I feel fine about myself. I’m rather accepting of my upending Cronehood and willing to look the part. Thirdly, I don’t give a rat’s ass what other people think about my outgrowth. I’m a homebody and have only been leaving the house about once a month while avoiding people in public, as always.
I finally agreed last week because she took a class and wanted a guinea pig to try out a new technique. I made it clear that I like my gray which thanks to my dad’s irish genes is growing out white. Even though I’ve been strawberry blonde all my life, I feel like we need to go cooler to blend better.
Either way, that doesn’t matter today. I’ve had to reschedule her for next week.
The sad funeral
As I shared on Sunday , my mom’s husband passed away unexpectedly last Sunday. My sister rushed up from Georgia to help her with all the business stuff. My sister is a Gemini and while our personalities never really clicked, she was the perfect person to step in for that stuff and I’m incredibly grateful that my mom had her. I told both of them this much.
My sister continued her role as Lady in Charge throughout the funeral and every one of the men in my family made a comment at how strange it was that she sounded so much like the Princess. I don’t think it’s strange, every family gets at least one control freak.
Funeral Business First
They planned the funeral for Thursday afternoon. Many of the visitors that showed up hadn’t even known he was sick. I would have given it a week just to get the word out, but I also understand my mom.
She’s a Taurus and getting business taken care of was more important. Even today, after a week of talking to everybody, receiving visitors and phone calls and finally having an empty house, she made a trip to the pharmacy to pick up thank you notes. Her nagging brain won’t let her grieve until the business is finished.
Awkward Funeral Etiquette
The funeral was weird. Very few people showed up and most didn’t stay. I’m torn between thinking it was because of short notice, fear of Covid or maybe he just didn’t have very many people in his life.
I do think it was easier on my mom, even though she didn’t know what to do with her hands. The funeral receiving line was small, she had plenty of time to talk to the visitors. Sadly, she didn’t really know most of them.
He kept his co-workers and friends separate from his relationship with my mom. She didn’t even really know his siblings. The only people they had in common, aside from her family, was the folks at the VFW.
Some patrons wanted hugs and others were insisting on fist and elbow bumps. She was okay with anything. The worst were the old ladies, who you could tell really wanted to hug but held themselves back.
My two sisters and I stayed up at the front with her through most of the viewing and sat with her while the priest gave a small funeral eulogy. There was no burial, she’ll have him cremated.
She also didn’t arrange an after funeral dinner. She headed home with my sister and her family. The Renaissance Man took all of our crew out to dinner at a local burger joint. It was fun, we hadn’t done that since they were little kids.
Family Pride
My Gemini sister brought her two oldest children but left her 6 year old twins at home with their grandparents. I get that. She was going to be too busy to keep track of them and it wasn’t fair to ask her husband to drive 11 hours by himself with little kids.
My brother brought the Teddy Bear who was happy to see us even though he didn’t recognize anyone behind their masks.
My younger sister didn’t bring any of her children. Her husband is having health issues and she left the son to help him with the baby. Her oldest was working.
I was very proud of my family. All three of my adult children made a point to attend. They really didn’t have to. My mom’s husband despised her family, including her grandchildren and as a result my kids haven’t spent any time with her since they were small. Even back then visits were short and sporadic.
The old wounds
As horrible as this sounds, I’m not grieving for a man I barely knew and whom I feel stole my mom from us. Yet, I was still derailed by the whole situation. I realize, it brought up a whole lot of old wounds.
You know the kind. The ones you thought you were over and then they pop out of no where.
In my case, they started seeping the minute I left the funeral home. Of course it didn’t help that the Princess, sitting in between her two brothers, had to point out that she thought it was crazy that I hadn’t talked to my sisters in 15 years.
Broken Bonds
That in itself is a whole, long, complicated story but I always just told myself that we were different people that needed to go out in the world to figure out who we were. I told myself it was a good thing to break out of the roles that we had been assigned to as children. We had gotten stuck in those roles and needed to stretch.
Our relationships were very co-dependent and enabling. It wasn’t healthy. I suppose I daydreamed that one day we’d get back together and everything would click and we could be sisters again. Only this time in healthy, respectful ways. I’m not sure that will happen.
By the time I got home that night, I was weighed down by both the pain of the last few years and the responsibility of the future.
I’ve been telling myself that it was okay that I didn’t talk or visit with my mom because I was incredibly independent. I figured out how to live without her in my daily life a long time ago and it didn’t bother me that she chose her husband over her children. The story that I told myself was that it wasn’t her fault. She just wasn’t strong enough to risk her security for us. We were adults, after all.
I was lying to myself. I had to cry that out and may not be done.
My thoughts on the future
With my Gemini sister heading back to Georgia and my younger sister dealing with her own family issues, its going to be my responsibility to keep checking on my mom.
I know she’s a grown adult, but she’s also 65 and has had some health issues. After 25+ years of my mom not being a part of my daily life, I will now be talking to her daily. I have to. If I don’t start out now texting her daily then I’ll never get in the habit. I would feel guilty as hell if I stopped checking on her and then something happened.
She’s actually kind of excited about the possibilities now. She can have us over. They’ve been living in this house for 12 years and I’ve never once been invited. My younger sister told me I’d love it. It’s like a museum of our childhood, with all the old antiques she had hanging on new walls.
She’s also excited about leaving her job at Walmart and getting a part time job doing what she enjoys; possibly working at a local nursery, a florist shop, or even one of the cute boutiques in her hometown. I don’t know why she didn’t do it before but I suspect its because her husband didn’t approve.
Healthy lifestyle changes
Family issues weren’t the only things upsetting me. My mom’s husband had never really been sick; he was active and high functioning. He went to the doctor regularly and was always given a clean bill of health. Until he wasn’t.
As with any funeral and being confronted with death, my thoughts went straight to our own mortality.
Mine and the Renaissance Man, specifically. We’re only in our 40’s and barring tragedy, death for either of us isn’t imminent but our health and stamina isn’t what it used to be.
Witch Heal Thyself
I’m of the theory that our bodies will heal and repair themselves if we give it what it needs, be that healthy food, sleep, or activity. I have my own work to do such as lay off the coffee and swap it with water, eat more vegetables and get regular cardio exercise.
I feel like the Renaissance Man needs to eat healthier and more often. Working 10-12 hour shifts at restaurants doesn’t always allow for 3 square meals a day. Plus he’s prone to choosing high sugar, high fat options.
Our silly banter about changes
I warned him on Friday, “I’m a little spooked by all this, you’re going to have to humor me.”
He looked quizzically at me, “What do you mean?”
I explained, “We need to eat better and exercise. We need to make some lifestyle changes.”
“I get plenty of exercise!” he protested.
I can’t deny him that. I’ve worked with him; he’s all over that restaurant.
“But you don’t eat well. One meal a day won’t cut it. I’m just not sure how to get you to eat more.”
“I had a Reuben sandwich today.” He announced, very proudly.
“That’s great but do you know what a Reuben is made of?”
“Corned beef?”
“Yes. And do you know what corned beef is?” I asked, guiding him.
“Good?” He answered, grinning stupidly, knowing it wasn’t the answer I was looking for.
“Processed,” I corrected him, “Full of salt and nitrates. You would’ve been better off with a plain roast beef sandwich.”
He shrugged.
“I’m going to make you take vitamins for now, and I’ll probably be adding in strange super foods. Deal with it.”
He has been, without protesting or even rolling his eyes. I’ve been weepy and worried and this is the only thing he can do to fix that.
If you have any tips or tricks for meal planning, leave me a comment. I find it overwhelming! Hope everyone has a happy and productive week!
Addendum:
As I’m uploading this post, hours after I’ve written it, The Renaissance Man walks in from work with a 64 oz. container of chocolate pudding…. *SMH*
