It’s been a weird week. Everything feels off but I haven’t figured out what it is.
I’ve been really emotional which is unusual for me. After spending the first 30 years of my life on a roller coaster of emotions, I met the Renaissance Man and evened out.
I still had my days, two pregnancies and the occasional situationally appropriate feelings but for the most part my mood swings are steady and reasonable. No more whiplash or extremes. Thank the Gods!
Sunday Morning Meltdown
On Sunday I woke up to a laugh track. You know, the recorded variety from sitcoms. The kind you suspect was placed there because the producers are afraid you won’t understand the jokes. It’s almost like they’re trying to teach us what funny is.
The Renaissance Man had been up for a while and took it upon himself to turn on the t.v.
That pissed me off. I was angrier than I had been in a long time; it was the seeing-red kind of anger.
I knew at the time I was over reacting but I couldn’t stop myself.
I don’t turn on the tv in the morning, except for pre-school shows for Miss Sassypants while we do school.
The worst of my emotions
Sunday mornings are for coffee and contemplation. Sunday mornings are quite. They do NOT include canned laughter from a studio audience.
This particular Sunday was cold and rainy. I wasn’t going to be able to take my coffee on the deck. That also pissed me off. I barely poured my first cup before I decided to make everyone miserable. I poured two more for the kids and dragged them out of bed. Well not physically, but I yelled them awake. I hardly ever yell.
Once they stumbled to the kitchen, I stormed their rooms again and collected their tech. I took laptops, tablets, game systems and remotes.
They were going to clean.
Then, when the Renaissance Man went to the kitchen to pour himself another cup of coffee, I took his remote and turned off the tv. That didn’t go over well.
We argued loudly. We said mean things to each other. The Padawan cried.
The Renaissance Man stormed outside. I stormed to my room to hide the remote with the rest of the tech. At this point we were both too emotional to be reasonable. At least we have enough sense to separate.
Then I started tearing apart my closet. I was going to throw it all away.
I hadn’t even finished my first cup of coffee.
When I finally ventured out to find my cup, still angry but not raging, I found everyone cleaning different things, sniffing and talking quietly to each other.
My Emotional History
I stepped outside to cool off, physically and emotionally.
That’s when I cried. The emotions were overwhelming. The memories were worse.
The kind of senseless drama that I created that morning, was a throw back to my own childhood. I went to school most days with puffy, red-rimmed eyes.
By the age of 11, I had taken it upon myself to make coffee and bring my parents each a cup before they got up so they’d be caffeinated before anyone irritated them.
By 13, I was leaving the house as soon as I delivered the coffee, so I wouldn’t get caught up in the screaming matches that were destined to happen.
It was also part of my weekend routine when I was married to the Idiot. I think we both just did what our parents did because we didn’t know any other way. As I learned better, I worked really hard to break that habit because those screaming matches hurt my heart. I accepted my part in it and took responsibility. I never wanted my family to fear me the way I feared my parents.
All the feels
That morning though, standing in the drizzly rain, I felt like a failure and I still had no idea why I was so emotional.
I petitioned the Ancestors for help,
“I have no idea what the hell this is about or why it’s showing up now, but I just filled 3 garbage bags with clothes for charity. I’m going to give them to people who can use them. You guys can take all this bullshit and recycle it in whatever way will do good for world. I don’t want it, I don’t need it, hell, I didn’t even know I still had it. Help me out here, please.”
As I ventured back into the house, wiping my eyes, the Renaissance Man called me over and handed me a picture. It was the two of us and a co-worker from way back when we first met. Which made me start crying again. We were so young. We’ve been through so much since then.
He hugged me and laughed at me for crying over it…which is his way of saying “We’re good”.
Fear of Moving
Its a good thing we’re good, because I’m not sure if I’m good yet. After my meltdown, I continued to have strong emotions for days! Not the ragey-scare-everyone-around-me kind, though. Still, I was more emotional than I have been in years
For Example, I was in the yard. The leaves are changing colors and falling. I was hit with that strange longing to go home to a place I’ve never been to. I don’t even know if it exists. This pining led to a sense of excitement at the idea that I will be moving in the next year, followed by a heart stopping terror at the idea of moving.
All of a sudden, every where we’ve looked, which is only within 15 miles of here, felt “too far”. That strange combination resulted in my heart swelling, my stomach turning, and tears leaking out of my eyes that caused and emotional release of pent up energies that kind of felt good. Like a sneeze.
At that moment I knew that I had to do it. It would be terrifying and exhilarating and probably the best thing for me. I know this because I’ve had this feeling before and each time I followed through and things turned out amazing.
The Worst Work Day EVER!
I was really hoping that handing over all that old baggage to the Spirits would be the end of the weirdness. Instead, the unsettling emotional energy hung around a few more day.
Peter Pan called me on his way home from work Tuesday. He was not his chipper, happy self. When I asked about it, he took a deep breath and proceeded to tell me about the worst work day ever!
He was tasked with going to another car dealership to pick up a trade that he was planning on selling. This is pretty normal. Dealerships do it all the time.
This particular day was rather trafficky.
I don’t know if this is normal everywhere, but in Chicagoland area, including where I live in Indiana, many of the big busy streets have two-way left turning lane in the middle. Its treated as a temporary lane for turning left or merging into traffic after turning left. You Don’t want to stay in it.
The accident
Peter Pan had just picked up the trade and made a left turn into that middle lane. He was trying to merge into the driving lanes but the traffic was backed up. It looked like he had an opening in front of a SUV a few cars ahead of him. The SUV had stopped for no apparent reason. Not an entirely unusual encounter, he just took it as an opportunity.
As he passed the SUV with his turn signal on and the intention to merge, a $120,000 Porsche smashed its front end into the passenger side door of the $80,000 Mercedes that Peter Pan was driving.
That SUV had stopped to let the Porsche through. I suppose the Porsche was looking for traffic to the right and didn’t see the Mercedes to his left.
Poor Kid
It was Peter Pan’s first accident ever. That’s always scary. He’s puts up a good front but I could feel how emotional he was. He was still shaken hours later; feeling scared, relieved, guilty and remorseful. He didn’t have to say anything. I just know.
However, nobody was hurt. Nobody was ticketed. (I personally feel like the cop felt sorry for both of them. It was an expensive accident.)
When it gets to the Insurance companies, the Porsche will be at fault and will have to pay for the repairs. IF they had both smashed their front ends it would’ve been a little different but according to Insurance standards, if your front end hits something it’s your fault. Even if you were rear-ended and pushed into another car. Even if the other car was doing something shady.
I tried to make Peter Pan feel better by pointing this out. Car dealerships account for employee damage to cars. They factor it into their budgets. The dealership he works for provides delivery services and they allow their employees travel to different states to pick up trades. There are a lot of risks involved in that and they wouldn’t still be in business if they didn’t cover their ass with insurance.
Unfortunately for my son, part of that accounting includes requiring their employees to cover the deductible for any accidents they get in. His GM is willing to work with installments garnished out of his checks so he’ll still be able to live.
Lucky laughed about it. He ‘s been in the business since he was 19 and has wrecked a few cars including two loaners (that I know about). It happens. And unlike Lucky, Peter Pan is a cautious driver and not at fault in this situation.
I’m just happy he’s physically okay, the emotions will settle in time.
Technological glitches
Mercury is still in Retrograde if you’re wondering.
I was reminded of this on Friday when all my tech started glitching.
My first clue was the kids computers, except their school computers aren’t exactly the highest quality. Its not unusual for them to get kicked out of class, loose internet connection, or have a website/video/game refuse to load. I clear the caches on their computers about once a month but we don’t get emotional about it anymore.
My second clue was when I came back to my computer and had issues. That’s when I knew it was a Mercury thing.
All my tech is less than a year old. My laptop and printer were just bought this summer and I have the Princesses’ Cricut here. It’s not quite a year old. I was trying to work on a few different projects and I needed all three components.
Of course, they were all giving me issues. They kept telling me they weren’t connected when they had just been connected a few minutes earlier. Then they would stop in the middle of a print or a cut for no particular reason. I got a little emotional with them. I was yelling at my laptop. The padawan was snickering in the doorway. His mama’s a little silly.
I finally turned everything off and reset the wifi. Then it started working.
The Real Cause
I started thinking maybe all the craziness and weird energy had something to do with Mercury in Retrograde.
As quick recap, because the phenomenon totally deserves its own post, 3 times a year, for 3 weeks at a time, the Planet Mercury appears to be traveling backwards from our vantage point on Earth.
It’s kind of like driving next to a semi-truck and the wheels appear to be moving in reverse.
Mercury was named after the Messanger of the Gods who gave man language and the ability to communicate and learn. In Greek Mythology, he was Hermes.
When the Planet Mercury goes into Retrograde, we have issues with communication, travel and technology. People get a little emotional and tend to over-react.
Everybody dreads and moans about Mercury in retrograde, but like a lot of those unpleasant things in life, it can be an opportunity. The thing to remember about this is RE-everything. REview, REcheck, REvisit, REmind, REframe, REconsider.
Essentially, its a second chance. A chance to slow down, take our time and think things through.
That’s when everything clicked for me. The Ancestors will be more than happy to take away my old baggage if I just slow down and review my emotional outbursts. There’s probably some more junk to purge in all those things pushing my buttons this week.
If you’re struggling with it too, just rest assured that it turns direct on November 3rd.
Good news! In between those retrograde issues and all the emotions, I got a few blog posts published.
