The first goal of the Witch is to “Know Yourself”. We are constantly changing and evolving so this is one of those things that we have to keep coming back to. You will need refresher courses in you!
If I were to ask you who you were, you would probably give me your name and what you did for a living. Maybe you would tell me where you were from or who you were related to.
I’m from Indiana.
I am Janny’s daughter, the Renaissance Man’s wife.
I’m a blogger and a witch.
Sometimes we identify ourselves in relation to who we’re talking to. For example, at a parent-teacher conference I would introduce myself as “Heather, the Padawan’s mom.”
The point is, we identify ourselves by what we think is important.
Epiphanies and other drama
Half way through my 20’s I had one of those epiphany moments.
I realized that I was a different person to everyone I knew. The daughter I was to my mother, wasn’t the same daughter I was to my father.
I was different to each of my siblings as well as to each of my children and each of my friends. I’d adjusted and fit into the role that each one wanted or needed me to be. I felt fractured. I wasn’t sure how each of those roles fit together to define me as a whole person.
This sent me into my own existential crisis. “Who was I and did anyone even know me? Did I know myself?”
My big brain moment, like most epiphanies, left me overwhelmed and confused.
To know yourself is to bring all those pieces together. I need you to be the expert in you.
For a lot of people, we spend so much time serving others that we forget ourselves. In women’s circles there’s a lot of talk about this. We constantly remind each other to take time for ourselves because traditionally women were the caretakers. When we’re ultra focused on what other people need we disconnect from ourselves.
Some of us, *raising my hand* never get to discover ourselves outside our roles in everyone elses lives. I went from taking care of my siblings to taking care of my children.
When I had my big brain moment, I couldn’t tell you what I wanted my future to look like. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be when I grew up. So I spent the last half of my twenties doing some serious soul searching.
At first it was overwhelming so I started simple by listing the things I knew I did like and the things I was good at. Then I slowly ventured into what I want in my life. Somethings I had control over and somethings I didn’t or at least I didn’t think I did. I put those on the back burner and focused on what I had control over.
Spoiler alert! The only thing any of us has control over is ourselves. Our thoughts, our feelings, our actions. And trust me when I tell you that’s all you need to empower your life.
Why?
One thing I think is really important while you’re discovering yourself is to ask yourself ‘why’.
- Why do I like the color red?
- Why do I prefer mayonnaise over miracle whip?
- What is it about Summer that makes me happy?
- Why do I let papers pile up?
- Why am I afraid of angry men?
Those answers will give you so much insight. When you get through the easy ones… try the harder ones.
Grab a notebook or journal or open a new file on your computer. Dedicate this space to yourself.
Label it, “getting to know me” and start asking yourself questions.
You can find an outline here to use in your self-interrogations.
In counseling classes, they told us never ask “why”. It’s confrontational and puts people on the defensive.If you find yourself getting defensive, then take the gentler approach. Rephrase your questions in a conversational way. For example, “What is it about mayonaisse that makes it better than miracle whip?” or “What does the color red make you feel?”
I personally need to confront myself. Why do I like this and not that? Why can’t I stand listening to this person talk? What does it remind me of? Why do I avoid talking about this subject?
Let’s include everyone!
As we dismantle the patriarchy and blur the lines of the traditional gender roles, I think its important to include men in these conversations. Its just as important for men to know themselves as it is for women.
What we do
So many people define themselves by what they do for a living. There’s nothing wrong with being proud of your occupation. You worked hard to get to your position. Maybe you went to school or maybe worked your way up the ladder. You have every right to be proud of that.
Maybe it’s not what you do for a living, but what you do to for others, or perhaps what you do in your free time, or what you do to survive.
Its important to remember that what you do does not define you. You are so much more than just what you do. As humans we have a bad habit of attaching our personal value to things outside of ourselves. At some point in your life you will leave that job, your children will grow up, the charity organization will change in some way. If you know who you are and what qualities and skills you possess, the loss of that “thing” won’t devestate you.
Asking Why again
Another way to look at ‘what you do’ is to ask yourself “Why” Why do you do it?
- Do you enjoy it?
- If you don’t what’s keeping you there?
- What would you rather do?
I waitressed for 11 years. I enjoyed most of them. It was hard work; the pay was inconsistent and the hours sucked but I genuinely enjoyed the job. That was when I realized I’m happier when I can move around. The job worked well with my ADD.
I loved it until I didn’t. It took 2 years for me to quit. At first I stayed because I needed the money. Then I stayed because I was afraid not to have a job. What I really wanted to do was write and coach people. I knew all of this before I decided to quit.
Where we are from
I never quite understood the local pride people adopted, but then again I’m from Indiana. In a state that’s know for its farmland, I grew up among the steel mills and oil refineries. It was a melting pot of culture and diversity. It’s more urban than Indianapolis. We were looked down upon by the rest of the state because urban area’s scare country folk and brushed off by our neighbors in the Chicagoland area because we’re in Indiana. We nicknamed our people Region Rats. Is that something you’d be proud of?
While I’ll probably never adopt that strange sense of regional pride some of my neighbors carry, I have learned to appreciate the human stories that influenced my upbringing and values.
Personal history
Knowing where we’re from is actually more encompassing that the locality you grew up in. It includes the family you were born to, the family you were raised in, the schools you attended, the church you went to as well as any other communities that helped shape you and your parents or caregivers.
- How has your environment shaped who you are today?
- What are some of the gifts its given you?
- What are some of the roadblocks it’s put in front of you?
- How can you make those things work for you?
Ancestral History
Its also beneficial to search farther back in your lineage. Your great grandparents had great grandparents.
- Where did they come from?
- How did they live?
- What struggles did they experience?
- In what ways did those struggles affect you?
There struggles did affect you. Science is just beginning to understand our DNA. Psychologists focus on generational trauma, and spiritual leaders have been counseling about ancestral memory for a while.
Even the bible talks about the ‘sins of the fathers’ although I’m not sure if there are many preachers or biblical scholars that can interpret those verses accurately.
The point is, Knowing your history and genetic lineage will help you understand and know yourself better.
Who we know
Lucky and the Princess have this genetic thing from their paternal grandfather that allows them to know everybody. It doesn’t matter where they go or what their doing, they will run into someone they met somewhere else. Lucky was in Canada and ran into a friend of a friend from Chicago. It was crazy.
Sometimes it can be useful and sometimes it gives us a false sense of importance as we ride the coattails of this other person.
You are more than just who you know and who you hang out with. People come and go. By attaching yourself emotionally to one set of people you risk losing yourself as well as stunting your own personal growth.
We become like the 5 people we’re around the most. Choose them wisely.
Yet, Everyone you’ve ever met has impacted you in some way. Some people are fleeting and some people stick around for a while. Every person you meet and interact with will act as a mirror to allow you to see yourself in some way. Somethings you’ll like and somethings you won’t. Don’t blame the other person, just work on yourself.
Knowing yourself is more that just what we do, where we’re from or who we know. It also includes what we like, what we don’t, what we feel, what we value, what we believe.
What we like
Do you know what you like? Colors, foods, activities, people. Sometimes you don’t know if you like something or not because you’ve never tried it. Make a point to try new things and also to reevaluate old thing.
The Princess always tries things three times. The first time for the experience, the second to decide if she likes it or not. The third time to make sure. Not a bad philosophy.
Sometimes we do/eat/choose things out of habit. It’s just the way its always been so we keep doing it. A long, long time ago, when my mom was still hosting Thanksgiving dinner, she would make a big old bowl of this cranberry relish that consisted of ground up cranberries and orange peels. It was sour as hell and no one would eat it, except my mom who only ever consumed a spoonful.
Every year, two days after Thanksgiving, I would toss the whole slimy mess in the garbage. I asked my mom why she kept making it if no one ever ate it. She made it because her mom made it. It was tradition.
It seemed like a waste to me. Don’t be afraid to let go of those ‘traditions’ if they don’t serve you.
What we don’t like
Its equally important to know what we don’t like. Sometimes its easier to identify what we don’t like before we zero in on what we do. Sometimes, what we used to like changes and we know longer like it.
I have always liked music concerts. I used to attend a lot of them with the Idiot but its been years since I’ve been to one. Not that long ago the Princess decided to surprise me with concert tickets for Mother’s Day. We went to see the Bare Naked Ladies at the Pavilion on Northerly Island in Chicago.
The concert was nice (BNL was never on my top 10), the company was lacking (sweet daughter was a baby when the band was big) and the crowd made me panic (we had seats in a crowded area).
It was a good experience and also an opportunity to redefine my preferences. The following year for Mother Day/ Father’s Day she bought The Renaissance Man and I concert tickets to see Train and the GooGoo Dolls. They were lawn seats.
It was awesome. I went with my favorite person, who understood the pop culture, to see the band that played ‘our song’ and I had space so didn’t feel like I’d be crushed.
I know this about me. And because I know this, I can share this with my family and friends and they can take it into consideration when planning things to do with me.
What we feel
This, more than anything, is of great importance. As a magical person, what you feel is going to affect any magic you try to perform. As a human, feelings can be overwhelming and we have a bad habit of suppressing them.
If you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship, you’ve been told how to feel or that you don’t feel what you say you feel.
Remember this! Nobody gets to tell you how you feel about anything. Nobody else knows.
I’m empathic. That means I can pick up on what others are feeling. I do this because I absorb the energy their emotions are producing and then I feel the emotions. However, I don’t always get it right.
My nervous system sends those electrical impulses and triggers areas of my brain in my own way.
Just like people can only perceive a situation through the lens of their own experience, I can only perceive the emotions of another through my own wiring.
I may pick up on what I interpret as angry, only to find out that the person is frustrated and scared. All are low level vibrations but they have different meanings and different ways of expression.
The point of sharing this is so you can take back you’re emotions. If I can’t tell exactly what you’re feeling then that toxic person in you life that tells you your feelings aren’t hurt is only saying that to control you. Don’t let them!
You have a responsibility to know what you feel, why you feel it and how to keep that energy flowing. It’s very important for your health and magical practice that you never let an emotion get stuck in your energy field.
What we value
We all have our own values. Some of them were handed down to us as children. We accepted it without question. Some of them were never spoken out loud, they were just implied in a way that seemed to be above scrutiny.
I’m asking you to dissect those ideas and decide if you truly agree with them. You need to know if what you were taught still holds value.
I’ve always kind of balked the system. As a little kid, I had a bad habit of saying the quiet things out loud. Apparently, we weren’t supposed to tell grandma when mom and dad got in a physical altercation. As a teenager it was offensive of me to point out to my boyfriends mother that her kids get sick a lot.
I also called out hypocrisy. Often. Why is this okay but that’s not. It’s the same thing different person.
I value honesty and fairness. I value equality and taking care of those in need.
These are things you need to know about yourself. These are the kind of things that will help you decide on your personal code of ethics.
What we believe
Did you know you can change you’re beliefs?
I was raised to believe there is one all powerful God who sees everything I do and punishes harshly.
My whole existence was peppered with a dark shadow and constant fear that I was doing something wrong and would suffer for it.
I’ll be honest, I never really knew what was wrong. There was the obvious things: lying, cheating, stealing, name calling. But sometimes when I did all the right things, I still suffered. I believed it was God’s punishment because I did something wrong.
One day, in my mid 20’s, while I was changing the laundry loads, I had a delicious, blasphemous thought. “What if God was a woman?” (This was eventually dismissed by or I should say amended by the idea that there were Goddesses as well as Gods.)
My heart jumped in a giddy anticipation. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and I couldn’t contain my excitement. It bubbled out in laughter and glee.
I’ve been exploring and investigating this idea ever since.
The idea of a higher power and existence after this life was incredibly important to me. I dove into all kinds of theories and experiences until I stumbled upon something that resonated with me. That excited giddy feeling was my gauge.
Know what you believe
Those more abstract ideas may not be your cup of tea. It’s okay, its not for everyone. Still explore what you believe.
- Do you believe in Scientific Theory?
- Do you believe in Spirits or Ghosts?
- What about a belief in Magic?
- Do you believe in the goodness of people?
- Are you open to believing that people can change?
- Do you believe we have an obligation to do good things in this world?
- Can you believe life is trying to work in your favor?
- Do your beliefs fill you with hope?
- Are they energetic?
- Do you want them to be?
You have to know where you are right now, you have to know what you do believe. If it works for you, awesome. If it doesnt, then you need to figure out what will, unlearn the things you were taught and reprogram your brain to believe in the things that will empower your.
I feel like I should also point out that your belief system will evolve. It’s kind of like science in that way. Scientists gather data and come up with a theory that is supported by that data. Over time they gather more data and observations and their theory may change.
Yours will too, and that’s a good thing.
What we want.
This is probably the most important thing to know about you. It’s also the hardest. You’re going to have to figure out which of those wants are band aids and which are for you greater good.
Sometimes our buried emotions propel us to want things to fill the void or soothe our soul. You want a chocolate croissant, you want a shiny new car. There’s nothing wrong with those wants in general but if they’re a means to fill a void that that would be better filled with healing, patience or discipline then those wants probably aren’t working for your greater good.
Sometimes what you want doesn’t seem plausible. It might be hard to want something you don’t think you can get. I get that.
It took me about 7 years of being married to define what exactly I wanted in a marriage. I knew what I didn’t want. I worked to change that and to change myself to be more of what I wanted.
What are your strengths?
I have a lot of patience. It wasn’t always this way, I had to work on it. Now, patience is one of my strengths. I am also very creative and very curious. Additionally, I like sharing what I know, because some of my knowledge was hard won and if I can make it easier on someone else, I will.
We gain knowledge in two ways, we work for it or we borrow it from others who have worked for it. I’ve borrowed a lot of things from people who came before me.
These things I know about myself. This is where I can be of service should opportunities come up.
I’m great with babies. I should be, I grew 5 of my own, but I was good with with other peoples babies, before I had my own. Princess has a cousin who’s only a few months older than her. As a baby she disliked everyone except her mom and her aunt…and me. Which was weird because her mom didn’t really like me. But at family get togethers I would offer to take the Diva so her mom could eat or have a break.
Where are your limits
I love young ambitious people who think they can change the world. I applaud their enthusiasm, I encourage their ingenuity. And then I caution them to take a step back.
When you’re young, you don’t always know how much you can handle. Too often they bite off more than they can chew.
Most of the time, they will dismiss my advice, they’ll insist they can handle it. It’s to be expected and I step back to cheer them on or help them up when they fall. I try really hard not to say “I told you so”. No one needs to hear that.
I don’t care that they fail; the important thing is they tried and learned where their limits are.
We all have limits. Some are physical and some are emotional. There are times when we lack skills or resources. Our limits will change over time as we grow. It’s good to test your limits, to push yourself but give yourself a little extra time to recover after wards.
What are your weaknesses?
I am a lousy secretary. I find filing paperwork to be tedious and boring and I struggle with logical organization. Apparently, being the ‘secretary’ means putting things where other people can easily find them. The Renaissance Man is a much better secretary in that respect. He’s more logical and much better at organizing.
What aren’t you good at? Where do you struggle?
What’s the point of this?
First of all, to know yourself is important because it will make your life a lot easier. When we are grounded in the truth of who we are, we aren’t easily swayed by others telling us differently.
Secondly, it’ll improve your relationships. Knowing yourself will help you understand others and set healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Eventually, when you get a good handle on these goals, you’re going to discover that you have your own code of ethics that will help guide you through the harder parts both the mundane and magical aspects of life.
Just a reminder that this isn’t a one and done thing. Humans evolve. We are constantly changing and it’s important to get in the habit of checking in with yourself to mark the changes.
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